The Big Picture

My first post. A fresh start on a new endeavor. I used to blog when I was younger, and I liked doing it because it kept my close friends informed about my life and things I wanted people to know but didn't want to tell them directly. It ended up just being a way for me to vent (which I feel is a common reason for people who blog), but it also ended up being a cause of drama. It's been about 5 years since then, and I now feel like I am at a whole new place in my life and I have a whole new set of "blogging priorities."

What are my priorities? Well I have a few. Being able to "vent" to the world of the Internet is a part of it. Knowing that people might read it, whether people I know or strangers, and care or relate to some degree. Maybe eventually I will find people (women) who are in similar situations as I am, and we can form some sort of "online community." Another reason that may not be necessary until the future, is to inform friends and family of the current and important happenings within the Holmer household. For instance, when we start having kids and there is more to tell than just, "We're married, happy, and love our life."

But really, deep down in the bottom of my heart, the main reason for starting this blog is to record my journey to, and in motherhood. (For those of you who really know me, this should be no surprise) Originally I had planned on waiting to start this when I got pregnant, but then I realized that my journey to motherhood has already begun. I already have thoughts, hopes, and dreams that are so abundant I can hardly keep them from spilling out. So I will now let them all spill out....




A Little Background

Naturally I would start this section by saying, "Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to have kids." Then I look at that sentence and think: it's boring, overused, and generic. I don't want this blog to be generic. No one wants to read a boring story of compiled sentences that reveal little to nothing about a person. So let me restate the sentence in a manner that accomplishes more. From the time I was a child myself, I have had an intense and inborn desire to one day have babies with a man that is my husband and best friend. Straight up, that sentence defines a huge part of the deepest desires of my heart. (My faith and relationship with God are the biggest part, but I'll leave that for another post)

I know that this has a lot to do with my Mom, and the fact that she had the same desire. The four of us kids were, and are, her pride and joy. From the time my oldest brother was born she has made it her first priority to be at home with her kids and raise them up in the way they should go. She was a stay-at-home-mom my whole life, and very much on purpose. I know that most of my desires for parenting and motherhood come from her. This goes beyond just "wanting" kids. It's often hard to explain but it's almost like a burning desire. Something that needs to be quenched.

When I realized that this was my goal in life and how strong it really was, I almost started to feel embarrassed. Is it ok to want kids this bad? Is this abnormal? I was feeling pressures from the ever changing society of women that I should be wanting to start my "career life." I should be focusing on college and being married for 2-4 years before even considering kids.

Then eventually I got to the point when I realized: This is MY life!! If having kids is this important to me, then no one else can ever judge if that is wrong or right. I also started realizing that God had put this strong desire in me for a reason, and that it is a part of who I am. Something that no one can take away from me and that I should embrace. Now, I understand there is such thing as obsessing. Many Christians would say something like, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." and that I need to not focus on it so much that it consumes the current season of my life. I completely agree. And believe me, I've let it consume me before. I could literally spend hours online going from website to website searching endless facts about pregnancy, childbirth, and babies. (and I have....) So I understand there is a balance, but that does not mean that I have to diminish my desire for kids or be ashamed.

I wish people would view my desire similar to someone else's desire for a successful career life, or the desire to travel the world. I think most people have some sort of desire that is larger and stands out above everything else they want in life. I'm sure the other factor that plays into this is that I'm 21. Most people think 21 is "so young." Well yes, it is young in the grand scheme of life but if mothering is what I want, why should that be any different than a person who starts college to pursue their goals. Everyone is different. We all mature at different stages and ages. Who can really be the judge of when someone is "old enough" to have a kid? Some women don't see themselves as old enough until they are in their thirties, which is fine, but that sure aint me!

So the moral of my story is that I have decided to embrace my passion, and to write about it. And when the time comes for me to get pregnant, I will write about it. Every craving, ache, pain, and indescribable moment of it. And then....I will finally have the desires of my heart.

Why is my blog called Continuum of Life? Well, I was reading a book recently (ok, it was tonight) about childbirth, and it says that you can't look at labor as a isolated event. You must see the whole process as a continuum of events. From conception, to carrying the fetus and nurturing it for 9 months, then birth, and then infancy. They are all related, and how you handle one strongly effects the next. I really liked this concept of the continuum of a baby, and then I thought that life is kinda similar. You must live day by day, but once in a while you have to step back and see The Big Picture.