Marriage Is What Brings Us Together

Phil and I were led to start a small group bible study for "newly" married couples. It's something that we both had a desire to do for our own reasons. When we got married 8 months back, I was just so astounded at the fact that so many people do this and there really is no way to know how to do it "right." You say your vows, and everyone sends you off on your honeymoon to sail the seas of marriage, with little to no direction. Sometimes you might have people giving you bits of advice here and there, or maybe you even go to pre-marital counseling. Overall, you have to figure it all out on your own.

I thought to myself, "No wonder so many marriages fail! This is hard stuff!!" I think that Phil and I were, and are, very fortunate in the fact that we had some incredible pre-marital counseling, that I believe is part of the reason we are doing as well as we are. We also just have a very high motivation to do things right.

From the beginning of our relationship, we were not about to just let things happen the way they happened. We planned and were very intentional about how we wanted our relationship to be, and set very high standards for ourselves. That was the foundation that we laid, and it really carried us into a healthy strong marriage. I have Phil to thank for this, because I've never known a man so strong. It takes a real man to not kiss the woman he wants to marry until the day he proposes to her. (That's one whole year of dating with no kissing) That's how I knew he was the real deal.

Not all couples are as fortunate as we were/are. There really isn't a lot of support for newly married couples, and even though Phil and I have a fairly good marriage so far, we definitely have our struggles. So not only did I see a need for support for the married couples around us, but for ourselves.

This year, I had to experience something that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to go through; and that was my parents divorce. Growing up, I thought I had the perfect family. I was completely oblivious to the reality of their relationship. I don't look back on my childhood and think of fighting and my parents hating each other. I look back with very happy memories. It only really started to become noticeable about 2-3 years ago.

When I first started to realize how bad it was, I wasn't worried because I literally thought that I could fix it. In all reality, I didn't understand why it was all happening. I thought I did at that time but I really didn't. So I thought, "If I just say this, it will get better." or "All she/he needs to hear is this and they will change and then they won't be so mad." I was naive to the reality that it was already over. I couldn't do anything to fix it.

As the time got closer and closer and we knew it was coming, I began to realize that it was going to happen and it was completely out of my hands. There wasn't a dang thing I could do to stop it. I felt completely helpless. I began to have this weird prideful christian attitude of, "I am a christian and I'm pretty smart. I've gained a lot of wisdom in the last few years and I should know how to make this better! I should know what to say. Maybe it would just take one conversation to make this all stop. I know I have the answer to this problem I just have to get the guts to say something."

After a long divorce, lots of pain, and lots of conversations with both of my parents I realized: It was out of my hands. By the time I was aware of the problems, it was all on God. I couldn't sit and blame myself because I somehow "let it happen." The last 30 years of their marriage was out of my hands, and it wasn't my fault. You cannot undo that much pain and hurt.

Looking back, I realize that I didn't understand why it was all happening. I didn't get that my Mom had so many reasons for doing what she did, and that she fought to keep our family together through times that I cannot even comprehend. That she didn't just give up because she was unhappy. When she first left, I was mad at her because I didn't understand. I saw her as being weak, and just letting go. After talking with her, crying with her, laughing with her, I now understand a little better. I will never fully understand because I don't think I really need to.

But now, I look at my Mom and I am proud, which is something I needed. Not proud of what she did. Not proud of how it all ended. Just proud that she is my Mom, and proud that even though there isn't a happy ending, that I know she loves me more than anything in the world. I know that my Dad loves me more than anything in the world. We may be a broken family but at least I have one.

So now that I am sitting here on my couch bawling my eyes out, I will get to my point of this all. Now that the divorce is over and we are all beginning the healing process and I look back and see that I wasn't able to fix it,
I wonder if there still isn't something that can be done. Not necessarily for my parents but for all of the struggling married couples. For the couples that are at a point where they can either head in a direction towards a healthy strong marriage or towards what happened between my parents. My parents situation was preventable but in order for it to have been prevented, the change would have had to have started way back at the beginning.

That beginning place where so many of my friends are at. And this is where I can help. This is somewhere I know I can make a difference. I may not be able to save my parents marriage but if out of this horrible situation it motivates me to save someone else's marriage, maybe that was God's plan all along.

So ending there, I will share with you just a snippet of the hilarious video series we are watching to start our group off: